And since this feels oh so necessary after the relentlessly uncheerful posts of late, here's my precious baby, Binky.

Picking back up where I left off last time has been hard. I've been bothered by the fact, after admitting I was sensitive as a child, that my last post sounded so much like teenage angst. That's probably just the anxiety talking but the last thing I want to sound like is that I'm all angsty about life, about my relationships. At the same time, there really isn't much that can be said or done that proves I'm not angsty. Hell, I'm not even certain myself that I'm not angsty.

However, one brief story I can share that might de-angstify (I may have made up that word) my last post is a comment my youngest, Frank, made a couple weeks ago. I don't remember the context of the conversation other than we'd been talking about my mother and Frank said, "Well, no one likes her anyway." I just chuckled and said, "That's not really true. It's just that some of the family has learned how to handle her better than others."

It took me, seriously, up until 2 days ago, when I was thinking about the last post and how to go on from there, to recognize the impact of his flippant comment. And I thought, "How sad. How sad for her that some of her grandchildren don't really like her. How sad for them that they don't really care that much about a relationship with her."

At the same time, I think it speaks volumes about her. It's not that she's a bad person, I think I mentioned previously that she's well-intentioned, but you know that old saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Not that I believe my mother is going to hell or anything but I think it just goes to show that good intentions can often be as bad as bad intentions when it's coupled with thoughtlessness.

Pair a tough personality with a sensitive one and the outcome can be quite messy and painful.

But the story doesn't stop there. It goes on. Through friendships gone bad, to romantic relationships that should never have been. The story includes people who would take advantage of a kind heart and a compassionate nature, who would abuse someone who was full of love and who was just trying to find her way in the world. People who, for whatever reasons, maybe good reasons, maybe no reasons at all, failed to be "there" for me when I wanted or needed them to be.

I can't count on my fingers and toes the number of times where hurtful and threatening comments were made to me. Every moment of feeling devalued and unimportant and small, every moment of being ignored and turned away and abused and neglected was like being branded with a searing iron. Until I threw up those defenses, I reinforced that wall that separated me from the potential hurts. And trying to take down that wall is a terrifying situation because god only knows what's waiting for me on the other side of it.

This sounds simplistic but it's not. It's an ugly problem and I'm feeling a bit sad right now. I had an appointment with my therapist tonight where a lot of this stuff was put out on the table and I feel a bit raw at the moment. And maybe I just had to throw all this junk out there until I was ready to figure out where I want to go from this post. Because it hurts. And it's fucked up. And it's wrong. It's wrong. Just wrong.

I guess I am angsty.